I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car