When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back