I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.