Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head