I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’