According to math, I’m broke
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…