The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.