It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.