Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”