I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?