Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.