It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .