Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.