Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.