My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.