It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.