My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.