If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.