I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My blood type is coffee.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !