Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”