Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?