*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂