My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.