My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.