My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.