My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.