My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.