“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?