“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?