90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.