‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.