I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision