I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.