If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.