You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.