I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.