I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.