If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!