Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself