Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.