A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Can Happiness buy money?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.