I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.