Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.