Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”