How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*