I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.