Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I love the smell of relapse in the morning