How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.