I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old