Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.